This Is Not My Journal!
by TheSeekerPorpentina
Summary: Theseus is too posh for therapy, and too embarrassed for anything else. Even he admits that he needs some sort of help, so he takes up Newt's suggestion. Although he doesn't know why. Or: Theseus writes a diary regarding his love life. Theseus x Leta, with background Newt x Tina. Companion to Almost. T to be safe.


Dear Diary,

First of all, I'm only writing in this book because Newt told me to. He said it would keep me sane, and I need to stay sane. I mean, it's not as if he writes a diary. But just to be clear, I'm not writing this because I'm a little prissy, because I am not a little baby. I am Head of the Auror Office, after all.

And I should also say get out of here. This book is for nobody's eyes, not even mine. If word got out at the Ministry that I'm writing a diary, I'd be DEAD, and I'd be imprisoned in a cell with the likes of Grindelwald's fanatics. I mean, the ones we've caught. They all seem to keep evading us, or escaping from our clutches. It's an international crisis- but us, and M.A.C.U.S.A, though I really hate them, are the only ones who have ever came close to ending it. M.A.C.U.S.A. captured Grindelwald, but only with the help from a tourist, and an ex-Auror, but they let him escape through their custody. We managed to take down a dozen of his henchmen, but then the mole, who worked in the Ministry at the time, helped them escape. That's how bad it is. You can interpret whether I mean me writing a journal, or Grindelwald, because I don't know either.

Right. Now that's over with, let me write in this book about what I need to.

That's quoting Newt's words.

Leta. Oh, Leta, my absolute darling. How I crave your company forever. I wish you by my side all the time. If only that were possible...

I had fallen in love with Leta at first sight: when my younger brother Newt invited her over for the Christmas holidays. Newt only had her as a friend. Or at least as a human friend. He preferred the company of hippogriffs and giant squids, which just so happen So that's why I refrained from saying anything- because she openly liked Newt, my brother, as in crush, and because I didn't want to ruin Newt and Leta's friendship. And because my best friend was crazy in love with her.

It's a good job that the love wasn't returned until it was too late.

Oh, yes, my name's Theseus Scamander and I'm 31. I know what you're thinking; we both fell in love and had a happy ever after. Right? Well you're wrong.

When Newt was 16, he was expelled from school. Why? He willingly took the blame for something Leta had done. Besides, only she knew what had fully happened. The story that escaped to Headmaster Dippet was that a jarvey, belonging to a certain Newton Scamander, had been let loose at Hogwarts, after the animal ban, attacking a young boy named Sebastian. It certainly wasn't true. The jarvey belonged to Leta, and she, knowingly, let it out, in an attempt to make it attack Sebastian, as he had a crush on her. And yet when the headmaster had asked what had happened, Newt protested, but he refused to believe him.

And so he was expelled.

Now, this story is about me. Me and Leta. The story isn't set around Newt and his life. But it's essential that whoever's reading this stupid book knows how that last bit went. It's crucial to the story.

After Newt was expelled, she was banned from the house, and him from hers, and they weren't allowed to see each other again. Of course she meant that we were both forbidden to see her, but she forgot to mention my name.

That summer, I went to see her every day. I helped to heal her cuts, and I helped her fix the hole she had dug herself into. I saw that she'd changed, and I knew all her apologies she had written to people were heartfelt.

But then the holidays ended, and she had to go back to school.

I thought I'd moved on. I kidded myself that I had. I tried to push her away, like we were meant to, but I couldn't. My whole life seemed to revolve around seeing her, when she came over for the holidays. I mean, she was pretty, but I'd seen prettier. She was kind, caring, and funny, and I liked her for that. No. I LOVED her for that. But as much as I still loved her, I managed to get to grips with the fact I'd never see her again. I got a job, at the Ministry for Magic, and as they all saw that I was quick-learning, sensible and smart, I was soon promoted, until I was the head of my department, and one of the top Aurors in the world. I soon began to realise that I'd never stop loving her, but I could still live without her.

Until I saw her again.

When I first saw her at the ministry, I became tense and worried. What if she hated me? What if mum found out I was working in the same place as her? She'd tell me -no, demand me- to leave. And I couldn't, not at the minute, bear to let her go again.

It was only when I was introduced to her by Minister Fawley, as a new employee in my department, that I realised something: it wasn't her who destroyed me; it was my mother. It was her who'd ripped up all forms of contact with her. She even made us move house, so she wouldn't know our address. We all got new owls, and so I had lost her. But I realised I shouldn't take it out on her, and I treat her like a friend. I had to be careful not to mention that he loved her, which I was sure I still did, otherwise he would lose it and myself again. We spent a couple of weeks, just being friends, when fate decided to push us together.

It was due to an accident we finally got together. I ran into her, as I was late for a meeting. She asked what was wrong with me, so I apologised. But then, as she was walking away, the words came hurtling out of my mouth. Suddenly, my confessions, which I had been hiding for years, had been thrown out. In front of the whole hall.

From then on, it picked up, and fate only pushed us further together. I forgot my past when I was with her. It was me who shouted the first 'I love you', but she wasn't far behind. She was the one who first planted her soft lips on mine, and waited to see how I would respond. And from then on, I savoured every minute I spent with her. I kept a memory of all the things she'd said to me, and all the things I'd have to say to her, the next time I saw her again. I always remembered to kiss her goodbye, and to hug her when she was upset. For it was then, I realised, that we loved each other, and my heart no longer ached to be with her, for it was already there.

Even so, I was cautious around mum. When mum found out about me getting a girlfriend, I had to be careful not to mention her name, or anything that might give her away as Leta. If I did, I knew I would be forbidden from seeing her, and that would smash my already broken glass pane which was my heart.

But I wouldn't let that stop me from falling for her. When I told Newt that I was seeing Leta, he was calm, and he was genuinely pleased for me, that I had found my special someone.

I mean, as much as he could be when he caught us hugging at the doorway. At first , I lied, and I said her name was Hippolyda, but he saw straight through me. The only thing he minded about was that I didn't tell mum until I had to. He even suggested, as a joke, I go and elope with her. But after that, I began to think that that was the only thing I could do. I couldn't have a normal wedding, because I have to invite my mother.

And all that did was get me all upset again.

Luckily for me, I had Newt to keep me sane. And now apparently writing down my 'feelings' will help me even more. But when he heard me crying in the night, he came in, and comforted me. He made sure I was alright, before watching me fall asleep. Yes, I know, it didn't help the heartache that I'd developed, but without him to keep me company at home, I wouldn't have been able to bear it.

After seeing her for about half a year, I proposed to her, and she said yes. I was over the moon in ecstasy. Now, all I had to deal with was mum, and what she would say.

Big problem?

Yes.

I told my mum that we were engaged, for it was only right. However, I told her that her name was Hippolyda. Sadly, I knew that they'd have to see each other eventually, and she'd realise that the girl of my dreams was, and is, none other than Leta. Despite this, I've never told anyone, not even Leta or Newt, about my worries.

Everyone assumed that, me, being the elder and more sensible child, and with Newt being expelled from school, that Newt had the worst past out of us two brothers. Most days, I agree with this. I am one of the few people who know Newt is innocent, and that just made it worse for him. I am always empathetic, and I can't bear to see others in trouble, especially when it isn't their fault. But some days, I see myself as the only contender for that title, as I remember how I was, or still am, forbidden from seeing her, and my tragic, miserable past. Those days keep coming more frequently now, and I'm constantly choking on my sobs, trying not to let anyone know about my terrors, and not letting anyone, especially mum. But those days, I give in, and those are the days I cry myself to sleep.

That reminds me of when I was bullied at Muggle school for being smart.

Before I met Leta.

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! For those of you who haven't, I recommend you read my fic called Almost. This is a companion to it, and the events are the same, but this one is from Theseus's POV. It also contains more humour than that story, because of the diary format.**

 **Please review and leave suggestions!**


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